Diet Coke and Blossom

My friend Jeff and I had about a year or two in Columbus, OH that depending on how you saw things, were either tumultuous or amazing. I like to think of it as the time of my life, but I tend to be ultra-dramatic and phrase everything with a title from a Lifetime movie. This Lifetime movie would be starring Valerie Bertinelli and Justine Bateman as her best friend.

Jeff and I would get through work by saying things like, "I can't go out tonight- I'm broke." Or "I can't go out tonight, I'm too tired." Or "I can't go out tonight, I have to wake up early." When we left work around 6pm, we headed our own ways home. I would settle down in my pajamas and click on the TV with a microwaved, leftover meal and close my bedroom door. I remember thinking to myself, "Thank God that I don't have to move from this spot for the rest of the night."

Ultimately the phone would ring and Jeff would be on the other end of the line. He too, would say how nice it was that we were taking the night off from the club scene. Then something would happen. He would say, "Oh guess what movie came out today" naming some fab movie with Julia Roberts. He would ask if I would want to walk up to Metro Video to rent it with him and stop for some snacks along the way. Usually I was bribed with, "I will stop at UDF and buy you a pack of smokes." Uncle. Twist my arm. I'm in. I only have two cigarettes left and not a penny to my name for at least three more days.

On the way home from the video store was Havana. Our favorite starting point for the bar hop. We look inside and we see that nobody is even there yet. Not one person. How nice would it be to get one drink and sit in the big, cushioned booth "in the round?" And what could be so wrong with one drink? It doesn't even matter that we look like we just got out of bed because we won't run into anyone we know- nobody is there! Besides, I have no money and that's not going to last a minute.

Unless you know all of the bartenders in town. And so several drinks later and my favorite shot, a chilled tequila, we were off to the next bar. (After running to the Men's Room to fix our hair). It could be Axis, it could be Wall Street if it's Wednesday... If it's Wall Street, you would think we would take a cab, rather than take the couple-mile walk in the winter winds. Nope. Save the cash, we will need to tip the bartender if she gives us a free drink or if there is a drag queen performing. Especially if it was Blossom. Blossom was a drag queen that I can barely describe. She is one that looks like she would fall over in her heavy platform shoes, but instead in the middle of her dance number, can jump higher than you've seen anyone jump and land in a split that makes you hurt watching. She would hit the stage so hard when she came down, the sound and the vibrations alone would let you know that this chick is crazy. Blossom was an acquaintance of ours in the sense that we would see her at the bookstore and she lived across the street from me. So we would see her in passing. We all heard about her apartment burning down and the rumors that it was because she fell asleep with her cigarette burning her wig. Blossom only gets tipped when she does the split.

Before you knew it, it was closing time and we made it home by 3am. What happened to my relaxing night of Seinfeld reruns? If we were off the next day, Jeff would usually call me around noon to tell me he was starving. We would go to Union Station or Mac's Cafe for seriously greasy food. Union Station had some terrific menu items, but we didn't order the ones that were good for you. Over this period of our lives, Jeff and I spoke of being thin again while digging into our fries and hoping to get to the gym later. We put on a few pounds, took off a few pounds and this moment was not a good one for me. Topping the scale at 180, I had a lot of guilt tucked away when ordering the french fries.

When we sat down for lunch at Union Station, Blossom approached our table as our waiter. Out of drag. She took Jeff's drink order, which I think was Iced Tea. She looked at me and before I could speak, she said, "And diet for you, honey?" Jeff bursted out laughing so hard and I almost ran to the bathroom crying. But then I laughed and funny enough, I think that I took her up on her offer.

She probably did a split to redeem herself, just to be sure I still tipped her. I will never forget that day as one of my low points and high points because she made us laugh so hard. I sometimes think of Blossom and her Janet Jackson dance routines. I think of all of the beautiful Columbus drag queens and hope they are all still able to pull off their splits, flips and eyelashes.

Most of all, I miss my friend Jeff and the fun times we had together.