Ring Dings and Mistress Formika

In the early 90's, one of my favorite haunts was the Crow Bar in the East Village of NYC. Crow Bar was a dance club not far from where I lived. I think it was on 10th Street and Avenue A. I remember stopping at the 2nd Avenue Deli on my way home from the bar to stock up on junk food, so I know it had to be east of 2nd. My memory doesn't serve me so well here, but I think it was Tuesday nights they deemed "1984 Night." They didn't take it too literal, so all songs played could be from the 80's. 1984, however, was my favorite year for music at the time- Go-go's "Head Over Heels," Madonna "Like A Virgin," Prince "When Doves Cry," Tina Turner "What's Love Got To Do With It," Culture Club "Karma Chameleon," Cyndi Lauper "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." I could go on forever listing music from 1984 from Chaka Khan, Duran Duran, Pointer Sisters, Deniece Williams.... Okay, I'll stop. I looked forward to the 1984 night and I used to drag along any of my friends that would go. It's one of the few times in my life where I can remember going to a bar with a group of friends, but abandoning all of them because I would get lost on the dance floor. I never had a drink there. I would order water if a slow song came on, but as soon as the beat picked up, I was back out there and never stopped. I left sweating, out of breath, but energized and couldn't wait to find out what they would play the following week.

In the meantime, I went back to the club one night when it wasn't 1984 night. Someone tipped me off that there was a drag queen performing that was a must-see. I love the drag queens and could watch them all night if they are good enough. When I got to the club, the xeroxed sign on the door had a blurry picture of a "woman" and bold letters, "MISTRESS FORMIKA TONIGHT." I was there very early and only a few people were hanging out by the bar. I ordered a water and the bartender asked if I was there for the show. He said it was good I made it early because the place fills up fast for the Mistress and it's best to get close to the stage.

I walked up to the very edge of the stage and waited about an hour before the lights came down and the red velvet curtain opened. Nobody was walking out. Music came on but I didn't recognize the song. Turns out, it was Annie Lennox's "Money Can't Buy It." At the time, that song was not well known. The Annie Lennox "Diva" album was relatively new and I knew songs like "Walking On Broken Glass" and "Why" but not this one. The introduction to the song is quite long and I think Mistress Formika even extended it longer. Out walked the tallest, most beautiful drag queen I had ever seen. She must have been about 7 feet tall in her shiny, candy apple red platform shoes. Her dress, the same color, was skin tight and velvet. I am sure she made the dress because it was so long, it hit the floor with a slit in the back. Her face was very white and her eyelashes were a foot long. She started singing, "Money can't buy it, baby. Sex can't buy it, baby. Drugs can't buy it, baby. You can't buy it, baby." She spun around a few times and as the song grew closer to the end, she got angry. I noticed that she had a very unique way of lip syncing- almost like she was shivering. Her lipstick- bright red with glitter.

I was in awe of her performance and began following her for years at events like Wigstock and her emcee days at the Squeezebox can even be seen on You Tube. I was already sold before she got to the rap portion of the song. But then she started the rap. "Now hear this pay attention to me cause I'm a rich, white girl and it's plain to see...." She grew angrier and angrier as she went along. All of the sudden out of nowhere, something hit me in the head. Hard. I look down in front of me and it was a Hostess Ring Ding in its unopened silver foil wrapper. When I looked up, Mistress Formika had a giant box of them and was throwing them into the audience. She was not tossing them. She chucked them really hard at people and was hitting them in the head like they were sitting targets. At the end of the song, she sat in a giant chair, like a thrown. She opened about three Ring Dings and shoved them all in her mouth at once and left the stage.

After I ate my Ring Ding and ordered another water, I saw the Mistress come out onto the dance floor. You couldn't miss her because she was a foot higher than anyone else there. Suddenly, she pulled off her wig, changed to a new wig and ran off to her next show on the West Side.

I went to countless Mistress Formika performances after that, but always thought this one was the best. Every time I have a Hostess snack cake of any kind, I think of her shoving them into her mouth all at once and making me laugh hysterically.